some of it can be vaguely linked to wine. Some of it has nothing to do with
wine but I’m going to tell you about it anyway.
For instance, our President, Shane (also known as “He who must hand out
Business Cards every three minutes”) has an odor problem. Really, he told
me. Honest. That is obviously not wine related unless put into context, but
putting it into context would ruin the joke.
I also learned some great expressions to describe what I like to refer to as
Wine Snobs. (You know who you are). They like to be called Connoisseurs or
(I quite like this one….) Vinophiles, but next time you bump into one in a
dark alley try using the phrases “Cork Dork” or “Wine Geek”. Don’t worry,
they’re all too drunk to fight back.
Being the international traveler that I am (oh really, the stuff I could bore
you with…..did you know, for instance, that on American Airlines, when
asking which meal you would like in business class, the flight attendants
always start from the front when the flight number is even, and from the back
when it’s odd. Why is this important? Well, they always run out of the most
popular dish, so, sit in the second row of business class on even flights and
the back row on odd flights. Never sit in the first row….. there’s a bulkhead
in front of you. Less leg room. And, when traveling on a Super 80, row’s 20
and 21 are exit rows, so they have more leg room, but never sit in row 20
because the seats don’t recline. Bored yet? I could go on, but you get the
idea, I am to air travel what the average Wine Snob is to wine).
Where was I? Ah yes, being the international traveler that I am, I was back
in England again last week. Having failed to find good English wine in the
past I thought I’d try once more. I visited three vineyards, all within a few
miles of each other and discovered that, just because they’re from the same
region, wines are not always equal. My first encounter was at Frome Valley
Vineyards. A quaint Olde English farm converted quite recently to a
vineyard. The owner was particularly proud of his Huxlerebe, a dry white
made from a German grape. Did I like it? Well, it smelled like musty crotch
and, although I can’t say for certain, I suspect it tasted like that too.
The third vineyard I visited was “Three Choirs”. This is a much more
commercial operation and guess what…… I actually found some Good
English Wine. In fact, I liked it so much I bought the company. Well, no, I
bought two bottles of wine. Seemed slightly cheaper at the time.
What did I learn from this? Well, I learned three things;
1) Never trust the vineyards own tasting notes. They say things like “A
light fruity red with an aroma of Strawberry and Blackberry, slight tannins on
the palate and a smooth finish” when what they really mean is “A tired and
lifeless Red, smelling faintly of flatulence and Greek wrestlers jock strap.
Hint of industrial cleaner on the palate, with an utterly tedious finish”.
2) There really is something to the whole “Terroir” thing. Terroir, for
those of you not yet indoctrinated into Geek Speak, has many definitions,
but could be described as the effect of soil, climate, geography and wine
making methods on the flavors and aromas of a wine. Every white wine I
tasted from these three vineyards (seven whites made from three different
grapes in various blends), tasted and smelt very similar. Even with the
obvious difference in quality, they are unmistakably English. You can almost
taste the rain.
3) Never give up. I was almost at the point of abandoning the search for
good wine and seeking out a good beer when I stumbled upon my first good
English wine. Finding a good beer in England is much easier. There is a pub
within walking distance of every point in the UK, and every one of those
pubs serves something drinkable. Even Holt’s Bitter (anyone familiar with
this particular North West England brew will be feeling nostalgic right
now….. and maybe just a little bit ill), is better than Bud Light.
[For those of you easily offended, please skip to the next section whilst I tell
an English joke……..Q. ”Why is American beer served cold?” A. “So you
can tell it’s not pee”]
The last, and possibly most important, piece of newly found knowledge: Krug
Champagne is really rather good, but then it should be. It’s not cheap, but I
have to say that when consumed in the right surroundings and, more
importantly, when shared with the right people, it is one of life’s true
pleasures. It is as smooth as silk sheets and as sumptuous as a velvet
comforter. And, if you share it with the right person, you deserve to be
between those two very quickly.
That’s all from me, except to say that next time you see Shane, ask him why
he smells better with his glasses off.
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