| Ian Hastie's Editoral June 2004 |
| History |
Firstly, I must apologize for my tardiness. I’m late, and not for the first
time. I’m overdue for an editorial but I don’t have an editor shouting at
me and telling me I won’t get paid till it’s done, so my “real” job took
priority. It’s such a shame that I have to work for a living. What I need is
a rich woman to keep me in the style to which I’d like to become
accustomed……any volunteers??
Well, assuming that I just received a resounding silence, let me begin…..
Have you ever wondered just exactly how or why wine was invented. I
mean…come on… is this something that could happen accidentally??
Did some guy just think one day that maybe it would be fun to mix fungus
and grape juice, leave it for a while and then drink what was left? That
makes about as much sense as the first guy who looked at a cow and said
”I’m gonna squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”
(or the first guy to eat an egg, even though he KNEW where it came
from).
I have thought about this and I have come to the conclusion that it must
have gone something like this;
Picture the scene….it’s a few thousand years B.C. and the ancient
Greeks are looking for a new form of entertainment. A young
entertainment executive, Inebriatus, has come up with a great idea for
the half time show at the Olympic games and he’s trying to sell it to his
boss, Hemoroides.
Inebriatus; “Boss, it goes something like this…..we get six guys and
we make them do things they won’t like, like eating slugs or jumping off
high buildings into a bucket of water. After each round we eliminate the
one who comes last, until we have just one guy, for whom Fear was not a
Factor. I think we should call it “The Game Where People Eat Slugs and
Try Not To Vomit””
Hemoroides; “Boy, do you really think anyone would ever be stupid
enough to be entertained by something like that”
Inebriatus; “But Boss, I have this bucket of Grapes that I didn’t
store properly over the winter and they’ve turned to mush and started to
bubble……it would be perfect for the big finish…..nobody would want to
drink this stuff”
Hemoroides; “OK, you have one chance. I’ll give you fifteen
minutes at the half time show”
Now, the official history of the Olympic Games is a little fuzzy on how
things went, but reports unearthed recently suggest that three men made
it to the final round. They had no idea what effect this drink would have
on them, but each was determined to out-drink the others. They pulled up
a chair at the bar and so began the worlds first drunken afternoon, one
that would later be repeated all round the world, especially on all-
inclusive trips to Mexico.
The three contestants each drank their fill of the Grape / Fungus
mixture. The first to quit was Stevenisus, a Greek wrestler, who
staggered away to get some food. He could not live down the shame of
losing and went into hiding in a far off city, never to be seen again.
The second to finish was Editorius, who went home and slept for a while
and then went back to find some more grape juice. He went on to write
humorous (in his opinion) stories about this newly discovered drink and
was so successful that the style of writing became known “Stories in the
style of Editorius”, later shortened to Editorials.
But the outright winner was a young Lyre player who kept insisting that
the drink would not affect him. After many trips to the latrine (because
our hero had a bladder the size of a teaspoon) the lyre player was
pronounced the winner and his prize was to have the drink named after
him. Our hero was Shaneius WineyAss and the drink became known as
“That stuff that made WineyAss puke for two days”, again, later
shortened to Wine. Shaneius WineyAss never gave up his dreams of
becoming a famous Lyre player but records show that he went on to
make a living as an Abacus Operator (second class) at the local Grain
and Pulse depot (that’s right, he became a Bean Counter).
Inebriatus had a successful career for many years traveling around the
known world performing his half time show at sporting events.
Everywhere he went he taught the locals how to make his grape / fungus
mixture and the new pastime of “Drinking Wine” became so popular that
a whole industry sprang up to support it.
Well, OK, it may not have happened EXACTLY like that, but I bet you
can’t prove it didn’t. Besides, who really cares, just crack open another
bottle of the grape-fungus stuff and pass me a glass.
So, that’s all from me, Say Hi to Shaneius WineyAss next time you see
him, and see you at the next party!
Cheers
Editorius
PS, Just for the record, the oldest evidence of wine was found in an
archeological dig in Persia (Now Iran) in a pot from around 10,000 B.C.
(It’s ironic that the Islamic faith in Iran now forbids the consumption of
wine). Historians think that it was the Ancient Greeks (but maybe not
Inebriatus) who spread the idea to the rest of the know world, from
France to Egypt and everywhere in between.
time. I’m overdue for an editorial but I don’t have an editor shouting at
me and telling me I won’t get paid till it’s done, so my “real” job took
priority. It’s such a shame that I have to work for a living. What I need is
a rich woman to keep me in the style to which I’d like to become
accustomed……any volunteers??
Well, assuming that I just received a resounding silence, let me begin…..
Have you ever wondered just exactly how or why wine was invented. I
mean…come on… is this something that could happen accidentally??
Did some guy just think one day that maybe it would be fun to mix fungus
and grape juice, leave it for a while and then drink what was left? That
makes about as much sense as the first guy who looked at a cow and said
”I’m gonna squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”
(or the first guy to eat an egg, even though he KNEW where it came
from).
I have thought about this and I have come to the conclusion that it must
have gone something like this;
Picture the scene….it’s a few thousand years B.C. and the ancient
Greeks are looking for a new form of entertainment. A young
entertainment executive, Inebriatus, has come up with a great idea for
the half time show at the Olympic games and he’s trying to sell it to his
boss, Hemoroides.
Inebriatus; “Boss, it goes something like this…..we get six guys and
we make them do things they won’t like, like eating slugs or jumping off
high buildings into a bucket of water. After each round we eliminate the
one who comes last, until we have just one guy, for whom Fear was not a
Factor. I think we should call it “The Game Where People Eat Slugs and
Try Not To Vomit””
Hemoroides; “Boy, do you really think anyone would ever be stupid
enough to be entertained by something like that”
Inebriatus; “But Boss, I have this bucket of Grapes that I didn’t
store properly over the winter and they’ve turned to mush and started to
bubble……it would be perfect for the big finish…..nobody would want to
drink this stuff”
Hemoroides; “OK, you have one chance. I’ll give you fifteen
minutes at the half time show”
Now, the official history of the Olympic Games is a little fuzzy on how
things went, but reports unearthed recently suggest that three men made
it to the final round. They had no idea what effect this drink would have
on them, but each was determined to out-drink the others. They pulled up
a chair at the bar and so began the worlds first drunken afternoon, one
that would later be repeated all round the world, especially on all-
inclusive trips to Mexico.
The three contestants each drank their fill of the Grape / Fungus
mixture. The first to quit was Stevenisus, a Greek wrestler, who
staggered away to get some food. He could not live down the shame of
losing and went into hiding in a far off city, never to be seen again.
The second to finish was Editorius, who went home and slept for a while
and then went back to find some more grape juice. He went on to write
humorous (in his opinion) stories about this newly discovered drink and
was so successful that the style of writing became known “Stories in the
style of Editorius”, later shortened to Editorials.
But the outright winner was a young Lyre player who kept insisting that
the drink would not affect him. After many trips to the latrine (because
our hero had a bladder the size of a teaspoon) the lyre player was
pronounced the winner and his prize was to have the drink named after
him. Our hero was Shaneius WineyAss and the drink became known as
“That stuff that made WineyAss puke for two days”, again, later
shortened to Wine. Shaneius WineyAss never gave up his dreams of
becoming a famous Lyre player but records show that he went on to
make a living as an Abacus Operator (second class) at the local Grain
and Pulse depot (that’s right, he became a Bean Counter).
Inebriatus had a successful career for many years traveling around the
known world performing his half time show at sporting events.
Everywhere he went he taught the locals how to make his grape / fungus
mixture and the new pastime of “Drinking Wine” became so popular that
a whole industry sprang up to support it.
Well, OK, it may not have happened EXACTLY like that, but I bet you
can’t prove it didn’t. Besides, who really cares, just crack open another
bottle of the grape-fungus stuff and pass me a glass.
So, that’s all from me, Say Hi to Shaneius WineyAss next time you see
him, and see you at the next party!
Cheers
Editorius
PS, Just for the record, the oldest evidence of wine was found in an
archeological dig in Persia (Now Iran) in a pot from around 10,000 B.C.
(It’s ironic that the Islamic faith in Iran now forbids the consumption of
wine). Historians think that it was the Ancient Greeks (but maybe not
Inebriatus) who spread the idea to the rest of the know world, from
France to Egypt and everywhere in between.
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