that hot girl you’ve been admiring from afar for months. You’ve chosen a
restaurant (small intimate Italian place, white tablecloths, not too loud)
and you even took a bath before you set out. Everything is perfect until
you cast your eyes over the wine list and realize that “Great
Restaurant” equates to “Huge markup on the wine list”. You panic and
select the cheapest thing there. White Zinfandel. That’s it. Her dating
experiment with you is over. You fell at the first hurdle. You crashed and
burned when you could so easily have excelled, and all because you
didn't follow these eight simple rules;
1. Never buy the cheapest wine on the list. Whether this is some
mysterious and un-named “house wine” or is a bottle you’ve actually
heard of, this is the stuff that the restaurant buy’s in bulk for about $3
per bottle and then charges you $15 (if you’re lucky). This stuff could
smell like old boot and taste like old vinegar. Now don’t get me wrong,
some house wines are OK….. not award winning, just OK, but is “OK”
something you really aspire to? Set your sights a little higher and you’ll
impress that girl. You may even reach the mythical Second Date.
2. Never buy the most expensive wine on the list. OK, so on your
date this may get you a million points and automatically qualify you for
Date Two, but you won’t be able to afford anything more than Taco Bell
next time. If your restaurant research was any good and you’ve actually
taken her to a quality restaurant they will have some excellent, and
expensive, wines tucked away somewhere and they won’t be afraid to
charge you a 300 % markup.
3. Ask your date what she (or he) likes. Now you may already know
what they like…… you may have been married 20 years and know each
other so well you can finish each other’s sentences, but for the rest of us
it does no harm to find out what they like. This doesn’t mean that you
have to buy what they want, after all they may be willing to experiment,
but if your partner says “Oh, just get me the cheap pink stuff” this may
steer you away from the ’82 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild towards, say, a
good Sauvignon Blanc or maybe an unoaked Chardonnay.
4. Ask the waiter. Don’t be afraid to ask someone who gets
feedback on the wine list all the time. Most waiters will be all too happy
to help you out. However, they cannot answer questions like “What’s the
best wine you have” or “Which is the best value”….. it’s all about
personal taste. Try picking a wine from the list and ask them their
opinion on it, this will at least narrow them down to something in that
style and price range. Keep in mind that they are unlikely to say “Oh,
No, that stuff is like cat’s pee”, but if they suggest something may be
better, take their word for it.
5. Pair the wine with the food. There is no exact science here, but try
to find a wine that will work with the food you intend to eat….. don’t
drown the flavors of a delicately poached fish course by downing half a
bottle of a big, full-bodied Cabernet. In general lighter food and lighter
wine go together and hearty food and full-bodied wine go together.
6. Know your Vintages. Wine snobs will argue long and hard over
which was the better year. Unfortunately it’s impossible for us mortals to
remember every vintage from every region. Was ’89 a good year in
Bordeaux? Better than 2000? What about California, or Oregon, or
Burgundy? Who knows? There is thousands of individual wine producing
regions and each has a vintage rating each year. For your personal
edification I have distilled, through many hours of calculation, the
following data; If you buy Californian, go for ’97, ’99 or ’01, if you buy
Australian, go for ’98, French, ’95 or ‘00, Italian, ’97, ‘99, or ‘01 and
New Zealand ’98 or ‘01. Now, this does not mean that every wine from
these regions was great in those years, but I can pretty much guarantee
that you won’t find a bad one. If you do, hey, don’t blame me.
7. Look for something you know. Finding something you are familiar
with on the wine list helps enormously, even if you don’t want that. If you
know how much you usually pay for that wine you can at least tell how
much markup is being applied. If it’s a wine you like, you should expect
other wines around the same price to be comparable in quality. Again,
don’t look to me for any guarantee here. Shane forced me to drink
expensive French stuff last week and I turned it down in favor of
something about a forth of the price, from Australia (It was good stuff!!,
check out the Shiraz / Syrah tasting notes). Anyway, that’s an exception.
In general, if you want something better than the $5 stuff you usually
drink at home, and that appears on the wine list for $20 then A) you’re
going to have to spend more than $20, and B) you should be less of a
tight wad and drink something better at home!
8. Last but not least, if all of the advice above fails to help you, get
yourself a date with a fully trained wine snob and let them choose the
wine. You just have to pay for it.
Lastly, a little assistance is required from the Medical Association. Due
to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that warning labels be
placed immediately on all wine bottles. Please take the time to read the
proposed wording and vote on the most suitable:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a moron.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings
like thish.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you
can't remember).
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Frank.
Oh, before I go I have one last question;
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M
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